Coming out

Today I've been thinking about coming out and how long it took for me to realise I was gay. Most people I know say that they knew they were gay as they were entering their teenage years, but for me it was different.

My first gay experience was something I was desperate to forget. I was 17 and had been invited, by a female friend of mine, to a singles party at a her boss's home in the woods. His house was HUGE! All on one level, it boasted it's own dance room complete with bar and DJ decks, it's own 8 person jacuzzi and it's own sauna. It was the first time I'd ever been to a place quite like it. Anyway, the party went on and the alcohol was flowing (free). It got to about midnight and everybody headed to either the jacuzzi or the sauna. To be honest, I was quite nervous. Majority of the people around me were all in their mid to late twenties but that didn't stop me stripping off and jumping into the jacuzzi with some of the others. Someone brought some bottles of Champagne and Malibu to the jacuzzi so the alcohol continued to flow. After some time, people moved into the sauna or back into the house to get themselves dry. I decided to stay and swim around in the jacuzzi, and one of the guys I'd met decided to stay too. He was short with light coloured hair, in his late twenties/early thirties. We chatted for a little as I swam around, mainly him asking me questions about my personal life and if I had a girlfriend. After about 20 minutes of this he asked me if I wanted to go back to his. I'm not sure what made me say yes, more than likely it was the ridiculous amount of booze, but I did.
I had to find the friend I'd arrived with and ask her for my wallet. She'd kept it in her bag as I didn't need it. Naturally she asked what I wanted it for so I lied and told her some new 'special' drinks had arrived at the bar which you needed to pay for. As foolish as that sounds now, she bought it and gave me my wallet.
The guy I'm leaving with calls us a cab and off I go into the night, back to his place.

Everything after that is a blank.

The next morning I wake up at about 6am with an extremely sore bum, empty condom packets around me (thank God) and a naked man next to me! 'What have I done?!' I'm thinking. Mortified, I search for whatever clothing of mine I can find, call a taxi and go home. Not only was I disgusted with myself for staying with a man, I was doubly annoyed as I should have been leaving for the airport at 7:30am to go on holiday for a week. When I got home my Gran, who I was living with at the time, was not impressed. I'd gone home with no top, no underwear and only one shoe. She couldn't have been any less impressed with the situation than I was though.

After this I went on holiday for a week and tried my best to forget about it.
When I got back home though there was no forgetting about it. I hadn't known that the guy I'd gone back with was a colleague of the friend who'd taken me to the party. She wasn't going to let it rest! She had a gay Uncle so this wasn't new to her. She'd also already told her Mum who was also a friend of the family. Great. I'd have to come clean. Having spoken to her Mum, I promised it was just a one off and that I really wasn't interested in being gay. How naive I was.

Later that week, a different friend asked if I wanted to go to a club called Martha's. At the time I had no idea it was a gay club so I agreed. When we got there I was hostile towards everyone. This was the last place I wanted to be after my experience before my holiday but, after a few drinks, I was up on the stage dancing with everyone like there was no tomorrow. I really enjoyed myself. I chatted with other gay guys and began to feel really comfortable. Now it was definitely time to come out!

The first person I wanted to tell was my Great Aunt. I'd go to her house regularly on a Wednesday and a Friday and we would always tell each other our problems. I was nervous, but I knew I had to do it. I'm not sure why I was so nervous. I guess I expected her to scream and shout at me although I don't know why, she'd always been extremely supportive of other things in the past.
To my surprise, there was no screaming or shouting. In fact, she was more upset with me because I expected her to scream and shout. I continued over time, at my own pace, to come out to other friends and family. I have two brothers that took the news fine. My Dad wasn't pleased about it at first, but since then he's completely changed his view and even has gay friends of his own so never be put off telling someone because of their point of view. Their point of view can be changed!

Since coming out my life has definitely changed for the better. Even though it was a shock for me at first to realise I am gay, it must have been lurking inside of me somewhere, I just hadn't had the opportunity to let it out. It was a big weight off my shoulders. Life's always much more comfortable when you can just be yourself.

Tay Tay :-)